Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 18, 2014

My doctor says if I don’t change my lifestyle I’ll die exactly like my dad did: drowning in the stingray tank at Sea World dressed as Santa
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) August 18, 2013

Donald Trump holds up a fat persian cat, “this is the Finest most Expensive” he bellows letting it piss directly into his open mouth
— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@pushinghoops) October 18, 2012

me and the Hamburglar have been married for 5 years. we live in a dumpster with our son Carb
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 16, 2013

"Well, I guess we don’t need any more cat food" he chuckled, shoveling the last load of dirt over Fluffy’s stiff remains.
— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) July 16, 2013

I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
— Jeply Surly (@JennyPentland) December 24, 2012

I hope people pretending to hold the sun/moon in FB pics know they’re openly challenging the gods & retribution will be swift
— Shane!! (@batsly) January 11, 2013

Sex tip: If your cat keeps trying to cuddle with you during sex, just put it in a pillowcase and toss it over your shoulder until you finish
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) June 8, 2013

Any Starbucks can be the scene of a brutal mass slaying if a bunch of clowns are inside and you give me a chainsaw.
— Adam Wilson ★★☆☆☆ (@theleanover)
July 23, 2013

Waldo goes to India, finds himself.
— Saragh Adams (@SaraghAdams) April 23, 2012